Final Sun 9: The Insanity comes back
by Pureauthor
Summary: GS cast parodies FF9. You need to know anymore than that? Thought not. PG-13 for some swears
1. Casting

Final Sun 9

(The GS cast is lounging around my living room, scarfing Doritos, playing Dynasty Warriors, and generally hanging out. The author storms in.)

Author: Alright, everyone! I've decided that in order to compete with the other people on the forum, we need to do a parody of a popular video game or movie. Seeing as at any other time, you never pull your weight, you'll be acting out Final Fantasy 9!

(Dead silence)

GS cast: WHAT?!?

Author: Shut up and let me decide who does what. Hmmm…… we'll need a main character…

Isaac: I don't believe we ever agreed to doing this.

Author: You people hang around the house, eat all my snacks, cause endless messes with your training sessions, I think it's time you started pulling your weight around here.

Mia: He's got a point there.

Garet: Mia! Who's side are you on?

Mia: Not yours. (sticks tongue out at him)

Author: Enough of this. Everyone, form a line!

Felix: But I've nearly beaten my high score for this level!

Author: Or I sic Dullahan on you.

Felix: Now that you mention it, I feel that lining up won't be any problem at all!

Author: Good boy. Now the main character of Zidane Tribal will be…

Isaac: (elbows Felix and smirks)

Felix: (growls)

Author: Ivan!

Isaac: What?

Felix: Ivan? Why?

Author: Because I want him to be matched up with Sheba, who's princess Garnet.

Isaac: Why not have me as the main character, and Mia as the princess?

Felix: Or me as the main character, and Sheba as the princess?

Author: Because I think Ivan deserves some time in the spotlight, and there's no way I'm going to turn this into a Lighthouseshipping fest.

Felix: (grumbles) I jumped off a freakin' lighthouse for her, and she abandons me for that runt…

Jenna: C'mon, bro. You know that the author's a die-hard Windshipper.

Felix: That doesn't change the fact that Sheba herself likes Ivan too! Without the stupid author's prompting!

Author: (coughs) If we're done with the angst, can we move on? The captain of the guard will be… Garet!

Garet: No way! Why do I have to play the part of some big, stupid, clumsy knight?

Jenna: Maybe because in real life you're big, stupid, and clumsy?

Garet: (growls) Jenna, for the love of my life, you can be a huge pain sometimes.

Jenna: (smiles and hugs Garet) I know.

Author: Moving on… the part of the soulful Black Mage will be played by…

Isaac: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Author: Isaac!

Isaac: (eyes bulge out) WHAT?! But-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-

Author: If you're finished with your impression of a motorboat, can we continue?

Isaac: But… I'm tall! Vivi's a short runt with no face! Why can't Ivan play him?

Ivan: Are you implying I'm short?

Isaac: Ivan, you ARE short. Deal with it.

Ivan: (sighs) I hate my stupid height deficiency.

Sheba: (kisses Ivan) I still love you anyway.

Felix: (starts shaking dangerously and growls)

Author: Right! Next, the part of Freya Crescent will be played by… Picard!

Picard: Surely you jest! Freya's a female! I'm a male to the core!

Author: So? Both of you are fighters that left your hometown, returned in need, and fight tons of bad guys. And both of you are really formal too.

Picard: …

Mia: (giggles) Next will be Quina. I wonder which poor sap will have to play her.

(……)

Mia: Why is everyone staring at me? Oh, no. No. I refuse! I will NOT play the part of some retard who can't string together words to form a comprehensible sentence! NO!

Author: (grins) Too bad. You have to.

Mia: You and what army?

Author: Me and Dullahan, Carl, and Calis.

Calis Wraithson: Leave me out of this.

Author: Whatever. You're playing Quina whether you like it or not. Anyway, next, the part of hyperactive Eiko will be played by young Link from Ocarina of Time.

Link: Huh? Why me?

Author: First, Jenna, the only available female left, is too old. Second, you're male, so that cuts out the Ivan/Sheba/whoever triangle.

Felix: I wouldn't be too sure of that…

Author: And, the last of the heroes, the sullen loner known as Amarant Coral, will be played by Felix!

Felix: (brightening up) I get to beat the tar out of Ivan? Sweeeet…

Author: Felix, you're supposed to lose.

Felix: (cracking knuckles) Where does it say we have to keep to the script?

Author: Whatever. Now, for the villains… the part of Kuja will be played by… Alex!

(Alex, and the Proxians teleport in, confused)

Saturos: Dammit, Alex! I knew we couldn't trust you with the Teleport Lapis! But nooo… you said you could handle it. You said it was no big deal! You-

Alex: Shut up.

Author: Ivan! Seal Alex's psynergy! Now!

Ivan: Bind!

Alex: Drats.

Author: How nice of you to join us. Anyway, as I've just said, we're doing a Final Fantasy 9 parody, and Alex here will be Kuja.

Alex: What? I refuse! I-

Agatio: Hey, sounds like fun.

Saturos: What?

Agatio: Prox is safe, bro. We don't need to worry 'bout the Lighthouses anymore. Time to have some fun!

Saturos: … Fine.

Alex: And if I refuse?

Author: Then the big headless knight behind you Formina Sage's you into next week.

Alex: I… see…

Author: Good. Now, the part of Garland will be played by Agatio.

Agatio: Who's Garland? And why does his name sound like a bunch of flowers?

Author: You'll find out soon enough. The part of Lani the bounty hunter will be given to… Karst!

Karst: A bounty hunter, hm? Seems to be not a bad role.

Author: Good. You're about the only person happy with your role. Next, the undefeated general of Tolbi, will be played by Jenna!

Jenna: Cool! I get to beat the crap out of Isaac for cheating on me!

Isaac: Jenna, cheating on you only counts if we ever HAD a relationship.

Jenna: Whatever.

Mernadi: Odd. I've played Final Fantasy 9 before, and the only available bosses left are… no. No way. No way in all holy hell are we gonna play the parts of-

Author: ^__^ That's right. Zorn and Thorn.

Mernadi: -_-+ Great. I end up sounding like a dyslexic Yoda. This is NOT my day.

Mia: Consider yourself lucky, after what I'm stuck with…

Isaac: Wait, if Jenna's the undefeated General of Tolbi, that means the king is…

Author: That's right. Lord Babi.

Sheba: He's going to be my _father?!_ (faints)

Author: If they're no other questions, we'll begin tomorrow. (leaves)

Ivan: Sheba! Sheba, wake up!

Isaac: (sighs) We've got a looong week ahead of us…

Garet: Week nothing. We're talking years.

Cast List:

Ivan: Zidane (Do I have to wear a tail?)

Sheba: Princess Garnet ( No, Ivan. I won't wear that dumb jumpsuit)

Isaac: Vivi (I hate this ^%$& role)

Garet: Captain Steiner ( No rusty armor jokes, or so help me I'll…)

Picard: Freya (Alex, stop referring to me as "lady" Picard, if you value your health.

Mia: Quina Quen (I. Hate. My. Life.)

Link: Eiko (I have no idea what's going on)

Felix: Amarant (Is that a bush on this guy's head?)

Jenna: General Beatrix (W00t! I'm stronger than all of you combined!)

Saturos: Zorn (Don't make me wear the dumb clown costume. I beseech you)

Mernadi: Thorn (Hate this role, I do! Crap, I'm starting to sound like him already)

Agatio: Garland (…)

Karst: Lani (Yes! I get to behead random people!)

Alex: Kuja (Hmph. I suppose it's fitting I play the lead villain)

(And with that, everyone leaves with the happy thought that tomorrow, they get to do what they do best : Screw up)


	2. Of problems in the ship, weird dreams, a...

Final Sun 9

Author: So, are all of you ready to start?

Everyone: No.

Author: Whatever. Let's begin with the starting scene.

Felix: Oh, how unusual. We're going to start a story at the starting. Woot.

Author: Stuff it. Let's begin.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

(Scene: A raging ocean)

(A tiny boat is seen in the storm with two hooded and cloaked characters inside)

???: How much further?

?????: How should I know?

???: Why do you have more "?s" in your name than me?

?????: Because I'm your-

???: Shh! We can't let on to people who haven't played FF9 yet!

?????: Then why did you ask?

???: Uh, well… um… hey, look! A big wave! And it's coming for us!

?????: Nuts.

(The wave catches them and dumps the characters out of the boat, to be sent under the raging waters forever…… Or at least until a passing seagull pulls them out)

(Scene suddenly switches to a palace room. Inside, the beautiful Princess Sheba has just awoken from a nap)

Sheba: Gee, that was a weird dream. I wonder what that was all about.

(Sheba goes to the window and opens it, so she can stare at the seagulls. How interesting. Not.)

Sheba: Shut up unless you want me to Spark Plasma you.

(Picky)

Sheba: Whatever.

(I don't like you. Let's change the scene)

(Camera pans up to show several birdies flying past a huge ship)

(Scene: Interior of said ship)

(Ivan slides down a pole and lands on his butt)

Ivan: Ow. Dammit. My hands got burned again. (walks over to the door and pushes it)

(The door refuses to budge)

Ivan: … (pulls the door)

(The door still doesn't open)

Ivan: Okay, whatever. (casts Tempest and blows down the door)

(Enters the room)

Ivan: …

(I SAID, enter the room)

Ivan: But I'm scared of the dark…

(Backstage)

Felix: Sheba chose this wimp over me. I don't believe it.

Jenna: Are you ever going to stop ranting about this?

Felix: No.

(Front stage)

Ivan: … (musters up courage and steps through the door)

Ivan: Mommy…

(…)

(… …)

(………)

Author: Ivan, light the damn candles.

Ivan: How? I don't have a match or anything.

Garet: (rolls eyes) Here. ~Flare~ (From here on, this symbols will be used to mean the casting of psynergy or usage of a certain skill. This has absolutely nothing to do with a certain author's identical representation of the skill, although the look awfully similar. I'm not fooling anyone, am I? Crap. Well, uh… These are not the droids you're looking for. Move along. Crap. It's not working.)

Ivan: Garet…

Garet: Yes?

Ivan: You set the carpet on fire.

Garet: 0_o

Author: Mia! Get in here and put out the fire!

Mia: (backstage) Not unless you agree to change my role!

Author: (sighs) I don't have time for this. Picard!

Picard: (backstage) I would suggest changing my role to that of a male gender before we discuss this.

Author: Argh. Alex!

Alex: Fine. ~Deluge~

(The fire is put out)

Author: Good. Now we can continue the parody.

Ivan: Blrgleurgle.

Author: Huh?

Ivan: Blugglugglug.

Author: What?

Mia: Hang on. I can translate this. Lessee… I'm… drowning… you… numb… skull…

Author: Oh… uh, sorry about that.

Alex: (sighs) ~Parch~

Author: When did you learn that?

Alex: When I absorbed the powers of the Golden Sun. And soon, I shall slay Isaac, and the power of Mars shall be mine! Mine, I say!

Author: …Right.

(Back in the room with the candles, which are somehow still lit despite the sudden rush of water)

Ivan: Now I have to wait for the rest of the crew to show up. I wonder who they are…

Mysterious voice: Who's there?

Strange voice: It's a member of the crew, duh.

Weird voice: I could've told you that.

Ivan: Wait a sec. Those voices…

(A door opens, and out comes…)

Ivan: o_0 Kaga, Ouranos, and Sean?

Ouranos: It's us!

Sean: Wow. You know our names.

Ivan: Wait… if the crew is the people on the Tolbi ship, then…

(Another door opens)

(The Captain dressed as a giant anchor leaps in)

Kaga: Captain? What are you doing?

Captain: We will do battle!

Ivan: Dressed like _that?!_

Captain: Do not mock the power of the anchor! Prepare to die!

Ivan: If you say so…

(Enter battle mode!)

All: …

(What?)

Ivan: Can you not do that?

(Nobody likes me…)

Captain: You will not strike first? Fine! Then I shall show you the anchor's strength! (attacks and whacks Ivan with an anchor)

Ivan: Ow… Let me see my skillset… Steal? I guess extra stuff's not bad. ~Steal~

* You stole Viagra! *

Ivan: On second thought…

Felix: (backstage) You sure could use it, though!

Ivan: Oh, you do NOT want to go there, prissy boy.

Felix: (backstage) Prissy boy?!

Ivan: Who's the one with hair down to his shoulders?

Felix: (backstage) It makes me look cool!

Ivan: Oh? And who's the one with a group of fanboys who'd give their life for me?

Felix: (backstage) Don't make me come and wipe the floor with you, blondie!

Ivan: As if you could…

Felix: (backstage) -_-+ (starts forward, but is stopped by a rampaging horde of FBMs)

FBMs: You shall not touch Ivan while we live!

Ivan: (smirks)

Felix: Grrrr… fine.

Ouranos: Can we get this on with? (attacks the captain)

Ivan: Fine. ~Spark Plasma~

Captain: x_x

Ivan: (filing fingernails)

Captain: The… anchor… has been defeated? NO! Impossible! (starts sobbing)

Ivan: This guy has got issues. Serious issues.

Sean: I concur.

(Scene: The streets of Tolbi)

(A flying ship that looks an awful lot like Picard's is flying above the streets. Isaac on the ground looks up and trips over a small stone)

Isaac: %*&#!

Author: Somehow I don't see Vivi cursing that much…

Isaac: Well, I'm not Vivi, am I?

Author: No, but you're supposed to act like him…

Isaac: Screw that.

Author: (sighs) Fine. Whatever. Just get your butt to the town center to get your ticket stamped.

Isaac: (rolls eyes) Yes, master.

(Isaac progresses through the town)

Girl 1: Hey! You wanna try your hand at jump rope?

Isaac: What?! I'm way too big for that!

Author: You're supposed to be 3 feet, Isaac.

Isaac: In reality, however, I am 5 foot 6. And there is no way I can jump rope.

Author: Fine. Just fond the ticket seller, will you?

Isaac: I don't get paid enough for this.

Author: You don't get paid at all.

Isaac: Same diff. (walks up to Ticket booth)

Ticket seller: Can I help you, little one?

Isaac: Actually, no, you can't. However, seeing as I need to have a ticket stamped, I'd rather you did that quickly as opposed to chatting away like a moron.

Ticket Seller: Jeez, little one. You don't have to be het up.

Isaac: (through clenched teeth) I am not little. I am of medium height, with a good build. I am string and muscular, and a Colosso champion. I am not little.

Ticket Seller: Aye? But to me you look little more than a wee little runt that-

Isaac: That is **_IT_**! ~Grand Gaia~

(An awesome display of pyrotechnics later)

Author: Good going, genius. You've just managed to blow up the entire town square, something that's not supposed to happen until-

Sheba: (monotone) Don't give away the plot.

Isaac: Aren't you supposed to be in the castle?

Sheba: Hanging around waiting for the play to start got boring. This place is dead anyway. (leaves)

Author: That aside, you've now ruined your chances of getting into the play normally. Go find another way.

Isaac: Sure. How?

Author: After what you just did, you think I'm gonna tell you?

Isaac: Asshole.

Author: I love you too. Now go find a way in or something. (leaves)

Isaac: I guess I might as well. If not, I'm going to be stuck as a black mage forever. (shudders and leaves)

(Scene: An alleyway)

Isaac: Ooh, look. A ladder. If I were able to use this, I might be able to circumvent low-hanging walls to enter the area where I can see the play. How convenient. (Tries to lift the ladder, but fails) What the?

Author: You need to be someone's slave first. I thought you played the game?

Isaac: Wherever did you get that idea? I have no idea how I'm supposed to continue.

Author: (evil grin) Okay. Fine. Since I want to hurry this up, I'll tell you. Go find a four armed guy. He hangs around the bar. After gaining valuable information from him, you should go look for a Lemurian hanging around. He'll follow you for a while, and then you have to find some dynamite on the rooftops to blow up the walls.

Isaac: That seems unnecessarily complicated.

Author: This is an RPG. It's all about unnecessarily complicated.

Isaac: Arg. Near the bar, huh? (leaves)

Author: (evil grin) I'm goooood…

(Two hours later)

Isaac: I am going to Charon the butt of that stupid author. Twice. Then I'm going to hit him with Odyessey multiple times, somewhere in the dozens variety. And just to be sure, I'll blast him with Grand Gaia. Four armed guy at the bar, my foot. First he mugged me, and then spent half an hour teaching me how to play a friggin' card game.

Author: (lounging near the church tower) I assume you realized it was a ruse by now?

Isaac: * twitch *

Author: Well, now that we've dropkicked your mood from the pissed range in to the homicidal variety, I think I'll tell you the real way. There's this little kid down there crying. He's lost his cat, and if you help him find it, he'll tell you the way to the play.

Isaac: And where, exactly, is this cat of his?

Author: Why, if I tell you, it wouldn't be a challenge, would it?

Isaac: * twitch *

Author: Ta ta! (leaves)

(Isaac reluctantly begins searching for the kitten)

Isaac: (bending down to the ground, and crawling along the floor) Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Small girl: Mommy, what's that weird guy with the pointy hat doing?

Mother: Oh, that's just what happens when you overdose on speed, dear. Remember, drugs are bad.

Small girl: Ohhhh…

Isaac: Forget Charon. Only Iris is good enough for that sick, twisted, f-

(Luckily, before Isaac can break the PG-13 barrier, the scene changes)

(Scene: The palace, princess Sheba's room)

Jenna: (entering) Hey, Sheba, you ready? The play's gonna start soon.

Sheba: That's "your majesty" to you.

Jenna: Please, don't get all high and mighty on me, okay?

Sheba: (giggles) Okay. Anyway, Jenna, I've been having this weird dream where I'm in the middle of a storm, and then I get tossed overboard. But, right when I'm about to drown, someone saves me.

Jenna: Interesting. What's your savior look like?

Sheba: Well, he's short…

Felix: (backstage) Strike one.

Sheba: He's a blonde.

Felix: (backstage) Strike two.

Sheba: And he had this kind of the lost expression on his face.

Felix: (backstage) Strike three. There. More reasons for Sheba not to like Ivan. If I keep this up I'll have a whole novel.

Ivan: (backstage) Since when is being blonde a liability?

Felix: (backstage) Since it means you're stupid.

Ivan: (backstage) Please, Felix. I know more about maths than you ever will.

Felix: (backstage) Oh, yeah? What's the square root of 4?

Ivan: (backstage) You can't be serious. That is pathetically simple.

Felix: (backstage) You're just trying to avoid the question!

Ivan: (backstage) It's two, if you want to know. There.

Felix: (backstage) Hah! See? You're stupid! Everyone knows it's 16!

Ivan: (backstage) …… Picard? I think you might have hit him upside the head a bit too hard during your last sparring session.

Picard: (backstage) I think so too…

Author: Can we get back on topic?

Sheba: But, he had the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen. They were purple, and they seemed so wide and full of expression. They seemed to have the knowledge of a thousand worlds inside them…

Jenna: Really? Well, maybe your dream will come true, princess. Or maybe it already has.

Sheba: Maybe…

(Well, if we're done with the serious things, let's move back to Isaac!)

(Scene: Streets of Tolbi)

Isaac: There you are. Good kitty. Gooood kitty. Come to papa!

Hiss! Slash!

Isaac: Ow! My nose!

Mittens: Hissssss…

Isaac: This is going to be difficult… (leaps at the kitten)

(A huge dust cloud appears and covers the two combatants)

Isaac: Ha! I've got you! No! Hey, wait, not THERE! Argh! OW! OW! The pain! Oof! Hrrgh! Mmmph!

(Ten minutes later)

(An Isaac that is exceptionally beat up and bleeding profusely makes his way to the docks, kitten in tow.)

Isaac: (to crying boy) Here's your kitten.

Boy: Oh! Wow! You found Mittens! Thanks!

Isaac: Don't mention it. Now, uh, may I have my reward?

Boy: Oh, here. (hands Isaac something)

(Dead silence)

Isaac: I did all that for a **_CARD?!?_**

Author: (lying on a boat and reading Mad Magazine) Well, now, you've learnt the problem with trusting others, hm?

Isaac: (turns to the author, eyes flaming) You are so, so dead. You hear me? Dead! Dead, I say! Ahahahahahahah! (advances on the author)

Author: Whatever. The way to the theater's in the bell tower. Head through the roofs, and, you'll find a ladder waiting for you.

Isaac: You honestly think I'll believe that?

Author: No, I don't. Find your own way there. Ciao. (leaves)

Isaac: Right. So, now I must go everywhere _except_ for the bell tower. Got it. (begins searching the town)

(Later)

Isaac: (still searching the town)

(Even later)

Isaac: (searching the town)

(Even later, when play is in Act III, Scene IV, the part where stuff happens)

Isaac: This is hopeless. The only place I haven't searched is the bell tower. But knowing the author, he's got something horrible waiting for me up there. (thinks) Then again, with the kind of torture I've been through, what could be worse? (enters tower)

(Scene: Inside Bell tower)

Flint: So, I'll be leaving for my adventure now.

Bane: (not looking up from his book) Whatever. See you around, and all that.

Flint: Cya, then. (leaves)

Isaac: What was that all about? (Sees ladder leading to rooftops) Hey, wait, that means… the author wasn't lying to me last time? And I've wasted the entire evening trying to find something that I could have used in ten minutes?!

Bane: (glancing up) Hoo, boy. I think we've got issues.

Isaac: * twitch * * twitch *

(A muffled explosion is heard)

Isaac: I… guess I might as well climb it. (starts climbing, circumvents rooftops, whatever, and reaches the wall outside the play)

(In the author's room)

Author: Heheheheheheheh…. Poor little Isaac and Ivan. If only you knew what was in store for you… Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe……


	3. Of improvised plays, pissed Mars adept, ...

Author: We're back, and on tonight's show…

Felix: Show?

Author: Aw, you ruined the drama. Ah, well.

Isaac: He scares me.

Author: Isaac, after what I'm going to put you through, you won't remember the meaning of scared.

Isaac: (blinks) Okay… I'll just be sitting HERE then. (backs off)

Author: Let's continue!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jenna: This stupid eye patch is so itchy!

Garet: Count yourself lucky. This armor is so heavy I can barely stand! What the heck did they make this out of?

Sheba: (looking back) Guys! Quiet! I want to watch the play!

Garet: (snidely) So your precious Ivan can come and whisk you away?

Sheba: Huh?

Jenna: (sotto voice) She didn't read the script yet, Garet.

Garet: What? Even I read it already!

Jenna: (shrugs)

Babi: Silence, subordinates! I will not have you spoiling my play!

Garet: How'd we end up working for this weirdo anyway?

(Meanwhile)

Isaac: (hopping up and down) I can't see a thing!

(Back on the palace balcony)

Jenna: The next act is starting! Draw your sword!

Garet: (whining) Why do I have to do the salute EVERY act?

Jenna: Look, do it, or we'll be stuck playing FF9 forever! Quick!

Garet: (sighs) (draws and waves sword about, accidentally cutting off Babi's ear)

(Babi doesn't notice, as he is eating popcorn)

(Extra salty, if anyone cares)

(On stage)

(The captain comes out, dressed like an anchor)

Sheba: Okay, I could have died happy never seeing that.

Captain: I am here today, to tell you the legend of the anchor. Long ago, there was an anchor with the powers of the sun itself, it grew, shaping this world, and eventually, it became the greatest source of power known to man. And-

(A fireball hits the captain)

Garet: No one wants to hear about anchors! Get on with the play already!

Captain: How dare you! I shall personally- (A meteor lands on him)

Agatio: What? Hanging around on that weird ship got boring.

Author: (sighs) Right. While they try to revive the captain, let's cut to-

(Interior of stage)

Ivan: Bereft of father! Bereft of mother! Sean, even now he has lost thy lo- Argh! That's it! I refuse to say these dumb lines!

Ouranos: I agree! They're stupid!

Author: (sighs) Fine, then. Improvise if you wish.

Ivan: Let's go kick ass!

Everyone else: WOO!

Author: Well, I guess that works too…

(Outside)

Sean: So… can you get up yet?

Captain: X_X

Sean: Guess not.

(Ivan, Ouranos and Kaja run up)

Ivan: What, he's still unconscious?

Sean: Looks that way…

Author: Never fear! I have a solution! (releases a Thunder Lizard from a cage)

Ivan: 0_o (gets into battle position)

Sean: But how is this supposed to fit into the storyline?

Author: Just say it's the king's pet or something.

Sean: Um… right.

Kaja: it doesn't seem too interested in fighting, however…

(The Thunder lizard crawls over to the captain and-)

Ivan: Ewww!

Ouranos: (Over the crunching of bones) Now that is one heck of a well trained pet.

Author: Ah, shuddap.

Ivan: Can we, uh, just cut to the next scene? I really don't want to stick around for this.

(Part of the small intestine lands on Sean's right shoulder)

Sean: You do that. In the meantime, I'll go book myself into a hospital for mental trauma.

(In the interior of the castle)

Ouranos: Now, explain to me what we're supposed to be doing again?

Ivan: Didn't we discuss this on the ship?

Ouranos: Hey, I'm just doing it for the sake of those people who haven't played FF9 yet.

Ivan: If they haven't played FF9 yet, why would they have any interest in reading a parody of one?

Ouranos: Enh. (shrugs)

Ivan: Fine. We're supposed to be searching this area, dressed up as Tolbi soldiers, so we can find and kidnap princess Sheba (gets dreamy eyes) so we can take her back to Kalay. Got all that?

Ouranos: I lost you at "supposed."

Ivan: (sighs in frustration) Just follow me.

(They knock out a pair of soldiers and steal their armor.)

Ivan: Strange. According to this sheet, there are only 9 male soldiers in the entire castle.

Ouranos: More power to us, then. Let's go.

(Meanwhile, on the palace balcony)

Garet: Sheba, shouldn't you have left by now?

Sheba: Huh? What are you talking about, Garet?

Garet: Y'know, you really should have read the script.

(In front of them, Sean and Kaja are getting chased around by an incensed Thunder Lizard)

Sheba: Ask if I care.

Garet: Do you care?

Sheba: (sighs) Alright, I'm going, I'm going.

Jenna: Wait. Wear this too. (hands her a white mage robe)

Sheba: Um… okay.

Garet: And this. (hands Sheba Felix's mask from GS1)

Sheba: What on earth for?

Garet: It's a secret.

Sheba: Weirdo. (puts on mask)

Babi: Ooh! Go! Go! Kill them!

Jenna: I am seriously disturbed by that man.

Garet: You ain't the only one.

(In the castle hallway)

Ivan: Okay, I'll go up first.

Ouranos: Be my guest.

(Ivan walks up the stares and smacks into a strange character wearing white mage robes and a mask… Oh, we all know it's Sheba, alright?)

Author: (backstage) Did Ivan read the script?

Mia: (backstage) No, I don't think so…

Author: (backstage) Fine, then. Let's add a bit off mystery to the scene.

Mia: (backstage) Mystery for who? Ivan, Sheba, or the readers?

Author: (backstage) For both of them. (snaps fingers)

(A helmet appears on Ivan's head)

Ivan: What the-?

Sheba: Um… would you mind moving, whoever you are?

Ivan: (trying to yank the helmet off his head) If you'll let me get this stupid thing off first… (hits his head on a wall) Ow.

Sheba: … Weird. (walks past)

Ivan: (succeeds in removing the helmet) Ow… my ears.

Ouranos: Hurry up, will ya? The sooner we finish this, the sooner we get back!

Ivan: ~Destruct Ray~

Ouranos: Um… I'll just back off then…

Ivan: Good for you. (goes onto the balcony) Pssst! Garet! Where's Sheba!

Garet: Huh? She left already!

Ivan: I didn't see her in the hall…

Garet: Sure you did! She's the one wearing the white mage robes, and the Felix mask.

Ivan: Ah, %#$@ (runs off)

Jenna: (blinks) I've never thought I'd hear Ivan say those sort of things.

(On the stage)

Kaja: Not my kidney! Please, I beg of you! Not my kidARARRRGGGBLE!!!

(On the balcony)

Babi: Kill! Woo! Kill!

Garet: He scares me.

Jenna: And we get stuck serving this guy…

(In the palace hallway)

(Saturos and Mernadi run up, dressed in a pair of jester costumes)

Saturos: This is an insult to me! I am one of the greatest warriors of the Northern wilds, and I get stuck in a JESTER costume?!

Mernadi: I refuse to sound like a dyslexic three year old!

Author: Haven't we already been through this?

Saturos: This thing itches!

Mernadi: And furthermore…

Author: Enough! I was going to keep usage of Author powers to a minimum, but- (snaps fingers)

Mernadi: Just happened, what did? (eyes widen)

Saturos: Mernadi? What's with you?

Mernadi: No! Happening, this cannot be!

Author: (stone faced) It can. Now mosey your butt over to Babi before I make you LOOK like Thorn.

Saturos: (meekly) Yes, sir.

(Meanwhile, backstage)

Felix: Mwehahahahahahahahahhahahaha!

Picard: Felix? Why are you laughing evilly for?

Felix: Uh, I mean…. Hehehehehehehehehe.

Picard: Weird. (leaves)

Felix: Soon, my plan will come to fruition, and I shall have all that I desire… mwahahahahahah….

(In the crowd watching the show)

Isaac: I _still_ can't see!

(In the hallways of the palace)

Ivan: Zephyr! (unleashes Zephyr and starts running around, looking for Sheba.)

Ouranos: (far behind) Hey, wait up!

Ivan: (already too far ahead to hear)

(Elsewhere in the palace)

Sheba: Where on earth am I supposed to go? (walks into a pillar) Ow.

(Back in the first "within the palace)

Ivan: (twitches) Sheba! She's been hurt! (zooms off)

Author: Okay… the fact that he's a Jupiter adept allows him to read minds, but how would he know when someone is hurt? Even if that someone is his girlfriend?

Carl: (shrugs) Enh.

(On the palace balcony)

Saturos: Master (shudders) Babi, we have realized that Sheba is missing.

Babi: Have you confirmed this?

Mernadi: Confirmed this, we have! (eyelid twitches)

Babi: Very well. You two, um…, um…

Garet: I'm Garet.

Jenna: I'm Jenna.

Babi: Right, right. Go find er… what was her name again?

Jenna: (sotto voice) I work for this guy?

Garet: Right away, sir. (runs off) Sooner I get away from that weirdo, the better.

Author: Aren't you supposed to assemble the Knights of Sol?

Garet: Those morons can't do anything anyway, right?

Author: True…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Author: Well, we've managed to end another chapter successfully.

Carl: (peering out of the room) Is Felix supposed to be sounding like a rent-a-mad-scientist reject?

Author: Huh? What are you talking about?

Carl: I take that as a "no".

Calis Wraithson: Guys, we've got someone at the door.

Author: Who?

Calis Wraithson: Uh… the "bad joke" police.

Author: Oh, No! It's them! (dives under a table and hits his head) Ow.

Carl: I think we should leave on that happy note.

Calis Wraithson: Agreed.


End file.
